Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
