I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
