My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
