I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
