i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
