I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
