Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
