dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
