He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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