So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
