He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
