don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
