A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
