I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it because I queefed?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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