Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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