we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
