SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
