smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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