the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
