4 words: hood of his car
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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