We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
