after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
