My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
