Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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