I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
