omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
