I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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