i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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