I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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