Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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