So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
