No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
