the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
