I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have fence marks all over my body
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
