Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
