my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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