Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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