So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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