There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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