I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
