I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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