So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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