I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
