I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
