I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
