No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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