I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
