god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
