She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
