dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
